Some Practice Points: My Hat

As I continue down my path, certain things that started simply turn into more meaningful parts of my practice. And something that certainly fits that description is the relationship I've had with a near constant companion simply known as my hat.

A witch's hat is traditionally sacred and special to them and mine is no exception. Religious headwear is nothing particularly new, and I'd assume that anyone who has a clothing item that is tied into their religious practices to have some kind of relationship with them. And here is mine.

Pictured: Guess who?

1: An Extension of Identity

As any practitioner of magic will tell you, a person extends far beyond the limits of their body. Heck, if you've spent any amount of time on this site, you've gotten to know a particular version of me without having been in the same location physically. Learning to play with how we are perceived (and internalizing that we have a right to do so) are important parts of growing up and being a full person.

There are no hats like mine. While I started with a premade base, I've added so much of myself into it that you could hardly call it "off the shelf." And its uniqueness is often noted, from unprovoked compliments to being recognized on the side of a highway from my hat alone.

But this expression of identity goes in multiple directions. Creating such a piece involved tapping directly into myself and, as a result, is incredibly personal. There is far more to it than meets the eye and plenty of things that only I know about. And as the bond between us grew, it became clear that there isn't all that much that separates us.

I say all this to distill this practice point: My hat is a part of me.

2: A Refuge

I have one of those faces, heights, and demeanors that seems to constantly stick out from the crowd and beckon people to talk to me. Back in my pre-hat days, I didn't think I had much of a choice in this matter. Every time I'd go somewhere, I'd never be able to stay in the background completely. Before you say I just have a big mouth, this was true even during the time I was dumb. Heck, I'd think part of the reason I do have a big mouth in the first place is because I've always had to answer for things I shouldn't have needed to. Double heck, I think I postponed coming out (which was horrible for my mental health, the postponing that is) because I knew that would make the spotlight a little brighter.

This may sound like a dumb (hehe) thing to complain about, but it honestly wears down on my mental health. (To the small army of friends who I've met this way, please don't take it personally when I say that I don't always enjoy being singled out in this manner).

If you're having some difficulty understanding this complaint (as I've found to be the case), think about it like this. To borrow from the bard, all the world is a stage. Every time we enter into society, we have to do a little dance if we like our liberty. Now, imagine you have a spotlight on you that you just can't shake. Is it handy? Absolutely. Can you get it to play to your advantage? Effortlessly. But can you turn it off? Nope. Every performance had better be flawless because, unless you are alone (and this also teaches you that you aren't always alone when you think you are), someone is watching. It's exhausting.

I'm still recovering from this mindset. Now, with my hat, I'm able to duck into myself if I don't feel like dancing that day. I can actually be a part of the background. It is truly amazing how refreshing this newfound ability is and I don't like it being taken away from me.

I say all this to distill this practice point: My hat makes me feel safe and being ordered to remove it distresses me.

3: A Test of Will

You wouldn't think something as innocent as a religious hat could get you into trouble. At least I didn't. But I've been proven wrong on multiple occasions. From getting outright banned for failing to remove it to being asked to never wear it again, it astounds me at how much mental energy people have chosen to expend over it and telling me why exactly I cannot have it on. The sheer scale of operations is kind of impressive at this point. I'd honestly be doing my hat a disservice for not seeing this one through.

Why they're insulted that I want to present myself in a way that I feel is the truest version of me I'll never understand and serves as a constant reminder that comfort from my own point of view (or, in other words, the most sincere form of hospitality) was never an actual priority.

And, if you know me well and still order me to remove it, it really makes me question the friendship itself. Because if you do know me, you know this isn't just some hat to me. It's a lot more. You know that It's part of the way I attempt yet fail to understand the mysteries beyond mysteries and great questions in life. I move it for no one and also for no one. My reasons are my own and that is okay.

But what stings even more is that, if I've ever called you a friend, I thought you were better than ordering your friends around when they've made it clear they're uncomfortable. Coincidentally, I also thought I was more than a prop in your narrative.

I truly thought better of you in other ways too. I know I intellectually respect those who let me be more than those that somehow, despite how large this universe is, still manage to be bothered by something as unobtrusive and trivial as what someone else chooses to wear.

I say all this to distill this practice point: If I am not welcome to wear my hat, I am not (and never was) welcome in a meaningful way.

***

Bonus Section: My Crown

If you've spent any time on the Insta or blog, you've probably seen me in one other piece of headgear. I'll go ahead and just get you an image so you don't have to go looking...

Pictured: The thing I was just talking about.

Yep. That's a crown. It's a circlet-type crown, which circumvents many people's definitions of a hat (though I still see it as one). I wear it for a variety of reasons, such as to commemorate holidays. Again, my full reasons are my own, and that's okay.

I have found that if I cannot navigate a space in the headwear I am most comfortable in (and am unable to turn down the spotlight), it's better to drop the pretense and turn the spotlight up than to pretend it isn't there.